You may have heard many words about self-love. But what if there’s a thought inside you that keeps interfering? One that holds you back, makes you feel small, makes you doubt? This blog article will take you on a journey through just such thoughts. Thoughts that may not even come from you – but that still have an effect. We’ll take a look together: honestly, clearly and with a loving eye. At the end, you can expect a change of perspective that can change everything. In my experience, this is what is really behind this belief system for you. But first things first.

The belief: “I am not important!”

You know that quiet pain that sometimes just appears without you knowing exactly why? Maybe it’s always there. The thought: “I’m not important.” No one has ever said it in black and white, but your body remembers. Of moments when you were overlooked. Of situations in which you felt: I don’t count. I’m at the back of the queue. I’m there, but somehow I’m not.

Such experiences become deeply ingrained. The belief “I’m not important” influences how you enter into relationships, how you make decisions and how you treat yourself. Maybe you say yes even though you mean no. Maybe you give more than you have. Maybe you’re waiting for someone to finally see you for who you are. But what if you learned to see yourself? Really see yourself. That’s where change begins.

Belief: “I am not worthy of being loved!”

Even more profound than this is being important when it comes to love, to being loved. This belief carries weight. You may have been carrying it around with you for so long that you no longer even realize how it is guiding your life. “I’m not worthy of being loved” – this thought may run like a veil through your relationships, your desires and your dreams. It makes you doubt when someone really loves you. It whispers to you: “There must be a mistake.”

But what if it’s not a mistake? What if you are lovable – not when you’ve improved, not when you’re doing everything right, but right now? It’s not about simply getting rid of the belief. It’s about lovingly questioning it. To ask yourself: Who does this voice belong to? And: Do you still want to believe it? Or are you already convinced that you are completely and utterly loved by life? Then this article is not for you – but perhaps it will still touch you?

I am not worthy of being loved – and then what?

“I’m not worth loving” – how often have you thought this sentence? Perhaps secretly, perhaps in quiet moments. And maybe you’ve wished at the same time that someone would prove the exact opposite. That someone would rescue you from this feeling. But the path starts with you. Because this sentence is not a law of nature. It is learned. And that means it can also change. Perhaps the sentence comes to you in a completely different guise. For some, it manifests itself in the fact that they are unable to accept gifts, for example. Or by not finding the right friends – it can manifest itself in many different ways. The question is, once this deep subconscious conviction has been discovered, what happens next?

Not worthy of being loved – a painful conviction

If you don’t feel worthy of being loved, this can affect all areas of your life. Maybe you sabotage relationships before they get deep. Maybe you settle for less than you actually want. And maybe you think you have to improve yourself to earn love. But love is not a reward. It is a space in which you are allowed to be. Just as you are. It is the trust that you are allowed to be completely open, to be completely here with everything that makes you you.

Why am I not worthy of being loved? – An honest question

This question can hurt – but it can also open doors. Why do you think you are not worthy of being loved? You may find answers in your history, in old experiences, in sentences that someone once said to you. But you are not your past. Today you can choose anew who you believe – and how you treat yourself. Many people will send you back to the past when you research this sentence. I may just mention it here for now and show you a completely different way of dealing with it later.

I can’t stand being loved – when closeness is scary

Love can be overwhelming. Especially when it suddenly comes across as honest and soft. “I can’t bear to be loved” is a protective mechanism. Because when you accept love, you become touchable. And that can be scary if you have learned to protect yourself – always, everywhere. But what if you open up in small steps? What if love is not dangerous, but what you deeply long for? Sometimes it’s just like a grammar rule that you’ve internalized incorrectly. And you can change it. It’s the same with a belief.

I can’t imagine that someone loves me – really loves me

Maybe you’ve already experienced affection – but deep down you believe that it wasn’t real. That it wasn’t really meant for you. “I can’t imagine anyone loving me” – that’s more than a thought. It’s a feeling of separation. Of strangeness in your own life. And yet: the idea that you are lovable begins with a little courage. The courage to discover yourself – beyond all the old stories. I am now arriving with you more and more in the here and now.

Psychology: “I’m not good enough.” – The inner critic

Psychology knows many names for this feeling: low self-esteem, internalized criticism, emotional neglect. But no matter what we call it, the phrase “I’m not good enough” acts like an inner saboteur. Maybe it pops up when you start a new task. Or when you please someone and suddenly become afraid of not being enough.

The good news is that you’re not alone. Many people harbor this thought. It often arises in childhood when we had to earn love. Or if we never felt that we were simply good – without achievement. Psychology helps us to understand the roots. But the decisive factor is you: Are you willing to question the story you tell about yourself? That’s the question psychology asks you. But I want to take you beyond that story today. Further down. Are you coming with me?

Not being able to accept love – the paradox of longing

It sounds paradoxical: we long for love – and when it comes, we recoil. “Not being able to accept love” is a protective mechanism. If you have been deeply hurt, it is safer to keep your distance. Then love doesn’t feel like a gift, but like a threat.

Maybe you know the situation: someone means well with you – and you doubt. You look for the catch. You can’t grasp the affection. And at the same time you suffer from it. Accepting love means showing yourself. Letting yourself be touched. To be vulnerable. But also: to be connected. Healing begins when you are completely honest with yourself: what do you need in order to really let love in?

Or you are like many others who have sat in retreat with Madhukar. They realized that they could not accept the unconditional love that flows in the presence there. Many are absorbed in the fine stream of love and others sit directly in this source and think they are dying of thirst. Yes, how often have I heard participants say that they cannot accept the love that is freely available there? But most of them were willing to leave the story behind and the defenses as a result. But let’s look at another aspect.

Not feeling loved in the relationship – when closeness feels distant

Not being loved in a relationship is a pain that goes deep. Maybe your partner is there – but inside you feel alone. Or you’re waiting for a certain gesture, a certain word – and it just doesn’t come. “Not feeling loved in an existing relationship” is often a combination of old hurts and current misunderstandings.

The key is to find out: What of this is really part of the relationship – and what are you bringing from your history? Perhaps the other person has a completely different language of love. Perhaps you have learned to only recognize love in certain forms. A conscious relationship is about recognizing and transforming these patterns. Because real connection requires courage – and the willingness to face yourself honestly. In my experience, the most courageous way of this encounter is in the presence of the self – as you can experience it in the retreat with Madhukar.

Why are some people not loved – uncovering an illusion

This question goes straight to the heart. “Why are some people not loved?” – it is often an expression of deep self-doubt. But the truth is: there are no people who are unlovable. What does exist are people who have forgotten how to feel themselves. Who have been rejected so often that they close up inside.

Love is not something you have to earn. It is something that flows when protective walls come down. When we stop pretending. When we stop fighting all the time. The idea of being unlovable is an illusion – but it works as long as you don’t question it. You are not wrong. You may have forgotten who you are. And ultimately, love is always there, it is always accessible, in abundance – even for you!

Self-rejection psychology – the silent rejection of yourself

Another aspect of not knowing how to accept love: Self-rejection is subtle – but powerful. It doesn’t always show itself out loud. Sometimes it is silent: you don’t give yourself a break. You make yourself small inside. You talk badly about yourself. In psychology, we often see self-rejection as a consequence of early experiences in which our own being was not welcome. Ultimately, it is sad to discover that it is not others who do not give us love – but that we cut ourselves off from it.

Self-rejection symptoms – how you can recognize it

The symptoms are manifold: chronic self-criticism, fear of closeness, perfectionism, exhaustion. But the good thing is: as soon as you recognize them, the change begins. Self-acceptance is not a goal, but a path. And every step towards gentleness with yourself is a step towards freedom. Because, as we all know, realization is the first step towards change. And I don’t want to burden you with any more. Let’s look towards the solution.

Am I not lovable test – an honest look at yourself

Sometimes a test helps you to face yourself honestly. Not a scientific result – but a mirror. The “Am I unlovable test” can give you clues as to how deeply this belief is working within you.

You may discover signs that you have previously overlooked. It may also show that you are on the way to having new experiences. The important thing to remember is that a test is no substitute for introspection. But it can be an impulse to explore further. And to see yourself with new eyes.

1.  I think I can make mistakes and still be lovable.
2.  if someone tells me that they like me, I can believe it.
3.  I rarely compare myself with others in order to feel my worth.
4.  I dare to show my true feelings.
5.  I can look at my own weaknesses with compassion.
6.  I have the feeling that I am important to people – simply because I am.
7.  i can accept compliments without diminishing them inwardly.
8.  deep down, I believe that I don’t have to earn love.
9. I feel seen, understood and accepted in my relationships.
10. When I am alone, I still feel that I am valuable.

Am I worthy of being loved Test – what your answers show

Read each statement and listen to yourself for a moment. Make a note of how much you agree with each statement – on a scale from 1 (not at all) to 5 (completely).
The test is not intended to evaluate you, but to show you where you stand – and where you may still be holding yourself back.
Be lovingly honest with yourself. There is no “right” or “wrong”. Just an invitation to discover yourself.

Evaluation

Little ability to accept love (0-20 points)
You may have often experienced that love was conditional – or not available at all. You may unconsciously protect yourself by avoiding closeness or doubting love when you encounter it. This is not a ‘mistake’, but part of your inner protective system.
You don’t have to fix anything about yourself. But you can ask yourself: Am I ready to question my old beliefs – very gently? Perhaps now is the right time to set off on your journey – back to yourself.

Intermediate ability to accept love (21-35 points)
You are already on your way. You have started to see yourself and allow yourself moments of connection – with others and with yourself. At the same time, you may notice that old patterns sometimes still get in the way.

You sense that more is possible. More closeness. More lightness. More love.

This test doesn’t show you a lack, but potential. And if you want, you can dive deeper – into the experience of being truly accepted without having to do anything.

Full ability to accept love (36-50 points)

Wow – you have already experienced a lot of healing. Or you naturally have a strong inner connection with yourself. You can allow love, receive it, let it flow – not only on the outside, but also within yourself.

Perhaps you feel it: Love is not something you get. Love is what you are.

If you like, share your glow with others. Or take some time out to immerse yourself even more deeply in this experience.

Another impulse: the “Am I worthy of being loved test”. Perhaps this will give you more clarity about how you treat yourself. Don’t take the answers as a judgment, but as an invitation to get to know yourself better. Because every honest look inwards can be the start of a big change.

Dissolving beliefs Psychology – how change can begin

Beliefs are like inner programs. They run automatically – until you start to recognize them. Psychology shows ways in which you can dissolve beliefs: through mindful reflection, by feeling your body, by replacing old thoughts with new ones.

But above all: through relationships. Because beliefs arise in relationships – and they also heal there. In a safe connection, you can show yourself as you are. And experience it: I am not rejected. I am welcome. This is the moment when something changes. In you. To do this, it’s important that you have someone to talk to. It’s that simple.

Transforming negative beliefs into positive ones Examples – this is what it can look like

Here are a few examples of how negative beliefs can be transformed:

•  “I am not important” becomes: “My needs are valuable.”
•  “I am not lovable” becomes: “I am a gift to the world.”
•  “I’m not good enough” becomes: “I can grow and still be enough.”

The important thing is: it’s not about overwriting, but about feeling. The new sentence should feel real. You don’t have to believe it immediately – but you can explore it. And over time, it will slowly but surely become your truth.

How Advaita reacts to the idea of being unlovable

Now I would like to tell you about a completely different way of sitting. Advaita – the traditional wisdom teaching – does not ask: “How do I become lovable?” – but: “Who believes that anyway?” It is a radical rethink. A change of perspective. Instead of trying to fix your self-image or change your beliefs, Advaita shows you that the self that thinks it is unlovable is an idea. A story. Not the truth.

And I promised at the beginning that there is something waiting for you behind the belief that you are unlovable. Perhaps you’re wondering what you can gain from simply adopting a different perspective? What are you supposed to get out of it? When you go into stillness, when you allow yourself to experience yourself as awareness – without labels, without attributions – then the question of value fades. What you are is love itself. Not something you get or deserve. But what you are. Whole. Now. Your beliefs will dissolve together with you. But not only that – much more will change, improve, beautify.

And if you can’t believe that – that’s okay. Because Advaita does not invite you to believe, but to see, to experience. To recognize directly. Beyond all thoughts. If it tweaks you, if you are curious, forget everything I have written up to this point and have a new experience.

If you don’t just want to understand all this, but really experience it: come to the retreat with Madhukar. There you can discover who you really are – beyond all the stories. Alive. Lovable. Free. Feel free to write to me about your experience.

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Hi, I am Shivani

blogger and podcaster at Madhukar Enlighten Life. I have known Madhukar since 2004 and do what I can to ensure that his effective message of happiness reaches many people. This post was penned by me – and ChatGpt helped me a little.